My very dearest friend posted on her blog a song that has been running through her brain for some time. I thought I would share the one that I have attatched myself to right noww. It's called A Good Thing by Monica Richards, a human form of the Goddess, if I have ever known one.

There's something strange about you

but that's a good thing what they

don't know about you I can see

when no one is around I know

you're magic you speak to animals

and they understand I was you

I ws there it feels like lifetimes ago

when there was music in my head

that no one else could hear there's

something strange about you but

that's a good thing what they don't

know about you is their loss and

when they laugh at you make you feel

worthless in your own skin they

don't know you're going to do some

amazing things you are me you are here

it feels like ages from now when your

strangeness turns to strength and it all becomes so clear

Everyone is lost until their Heart is found

Everyone feels weak Everyone breaks down

Everyone needs love and a place to call their own

Everyone is tired Everyone feels totally alone

There's something strange about you but that's a good thing

what they don't know about you I can see

They say we're the strange ones but we are the lucky ones

We grew up stronger we grew up knowing what the others take

Their lifetimes to understand there's nothing strange about us at all

Everyone is lost until thier Heart is found

Everyone feels week

Everyone breaks down

Everyone nees love and a place to call their own

Everyone must know that no one is alone

She wrote this song to a 5 year old version of herself. This song can, and does, knock me off my feet with the emotion and familiarity of it. And then I began thinking of all the others who were like me as a child. The special ones who felt they were alone in the world and misunderstood. How many of us got report cards as children with comments about how much potential we had that we weren't tapping into in the school system. How many of those teachers didn't realize that our thoughts and hearts were learning in a different way and that was okay? How many of us needed an older version of ourselves to sit us down somewhere quiet and explain that everything was going to work out the way it is supposed to and that we were going to grow into our individuality and that even though we aren't meant for the mainstream "ideal" of our society that when we were older we would be capable of amazing things? Personally, I know I needed that special little talk....and a hug.

I'm freaking out right now because I am making an appointment with a very strong magical woman to meet with her and possibly become a student of the Dianic Tradition. This woman was taught personally by Z Budapest so I'm a bit overwhelmed and in awe. She wants to see my Book of Shadows. This is something I don't share with anyone for several reasons. First, there are only a handfull of people in this world right now, because of isolation, that mean anything to me. And these people that I have chosen to keep close to my chest are there for a reason. After being initiated into the Coven I belonged to I was given a gift by my very best friend named Jen......*waving over at Jen. She had taken all of my work for the past year and a day and took that big mess and produced a beautiful gift for me....my BOS. Crosstitched and everything. Purple and the best thing I have ever received from another person. Secondly, because I have fallen off my path there is nothing new in there and that makes me ashamed. I feel like I'm going to have to emotionally "blow off the dust" before taking it to my meeting. Although there is no dust on it and never has been. It's BOS for Goddess sakes!!!! lol. But I really need this group right now. I need community and not just over the internet. I need strong women and strong aspects of the Goddess in my life right now. I need warriors and fighters and I think this woman can help me....if only I am approved! Remember the dream about going to high school naked? It feels like that's what I'm actually going to do. Sit there with her and bare my soul. This makes me nervous so I would appreciate ANY candle being lit my way. Even a good thought or a whisper of encouragemnt coming towards me. Cross our fingers.

love and light

Kismet

That is the question. I have always had a special bond with animals, as should everyone since they love you like no human can. Well, 4 years ago I owned a wonderfull great dane named Gunner who was the best dog ever......I'm not kidding. Well, one day we went into the veterinary office just to visit and get cookies. The front office ladies loved when his whole 160 pound body got up on his hind feet and leaned over the counter for them to feed him goodies. While we were there a cage was displayed in the front room with a black kitten. He was horribly ugly because of a skin condition so he had scabs all over his body. Kinda icky. Anyway, I had been a veterinary tech for years before leaving the proffession for a more lucrative job as a craps dealer, but since I had worked at this particular hospital I visited often with Gunner. Well, he layed down next to the cage and refused to get up. And when I say refused I mean he REFUSED to get up. I had a pinch collar that I used around his neck very loosely just as a warning that I had control beacause at the time I was about 130 pounds so if Gunner wanted to he could pretty much do what he wanted. Long story short I ended up taking this kitten home and naming him Cosmo. I also need to mention that I had two cats of my own and was keeping an ex boyfriends cat at my house for a couple of months because......well, I was stupid in that relationship but his cat shouldn't have to suffer, right? Cosmo right away was very timid and tried to always hide in my basement. I had to go get him the first couple of nights and bring him to my bed. After that I would go into my room, which was on the second story (him hiding in the basement) and I would wisper his name. He would scamper up to my room and claw his way up my bedding to get to me. Life went on and we ended up moving back to California. I met the love of my life, with my pets approval,of coarse. As some of you know I became pregnant and my son only lived 16 days. During the time that we were in SF with our son my friend who was watching Gunner called to tell me he was sick. We had her rush him to the veterinary emergency center in Fresno and they said his stomach had flipped over and that there was nothing they could do for him. In all of my grief and sadness a few days later my son also passed to the Summerlands. In the worst possible time of my life I knew....I KNEW, and explained to my husband that Gunner had gone to greet and be with Parker (our infant son). Everyone in my family on my mothers side has always had pets and treat them as members of our real family. I tried to explain to him (he's a southern babtist....another long story) that Gunner knew Parker wasn't meant to be here and that he would need a guide and companion. At Parkers funeral I wrote a long poem about how my husband and I felt about Parker and his life, his God and my Godess and how I was comforted that Gunner had gone with him.

Since Gunners death my cat Cosmo has clearly, and I mean practically slapped me in the face to let me know who he was and why he was here. He has become my familiar. I have never had one before that I know of because I just never understood the concept and still really don't. Whenever I'm spellcasting or even meditating where I walk to where the Godess is for me he is rubbing himself on me or on something associated with my altar. He walks in and out of my circle like it's not even there, no barrier or anything. Usually just sits and watches me.

Here is my main issue and I'm hoping someone with knowledge of familiars can help me. I am very ill and it doesn't look like I will be getting better. After being insulin dependant for over 22 years I've developed gastroparesis, which will probably end up killing me. I'm waiting to hear from Stanford to see if I can get this stimulator divice put in my stomach to try to make it work. If that doesn't happen my specialist wants to remove my stomach completely. My main concern is that Cosmo is showing signs of illness. He has started licking his fur until he has almost bald spots. He doesn't have fleas and I had him tested for allergies. Nothing. Is he too close to me? Is he feeling the pain that I feel every day? Should I increase my pain meds. I only take them at night so that I don't appear to be stoned all the time. I hate stumbling around when trying to talk to the other football moms at the high school. Very embarassing indeed! But if he is feeling my pain and acting out in this manner It pains me even more! I don't want to be the cause of his suffering too. I'm fine with me just being the big crybaby sissy who is in pain all the time. I have also heard a rumor that when you die your familiar dies with you. Does anyone know if this is true. I understand Gunner passing on because he felt he was needed there more than here with me, although I miss him every second of the days. But I am aware and am working......I said working on accepting that my illness is going to be getting worse and never better. It is a disease that keeps on going and there aren't even many treatments out there for us so I am very worried about Cosmo.

At some point in the near future I am going to Berkeley and I plan on searching for a small statue of Bast for Cosmo. Like I said, he likes to rub himself on certain items on my altar and hopefully when I explain that this new one is just for him he will be able to pray to Bast also. I know that real people would think I'm crazy and some of you probably do to, but I don't care, really. I like being the ecentric cat lady, although my husband has since gotten me another dog to keep me crazy, I mean company. If anyone has any answers of advice I will be forever in your debt and much appreciate anything that comes my way.

love and light

Today I finally went to a gastroenterologist who listened to me. No, actually listened to me. The fisrt thing she did when she came into the room was apologize to me for not getting proper care until I came to her. She then said that with the test results that were in my file that she has no idea what kind of pain I have been dealing with for so long and she wanted to change that. I practically threw myself at her feet in gratitude.....until I heard the whole story.

Always be carefull what you wish for. She took me off all of my narcotics and started me on different sorts of pain meds. First, Belladonna, which I thought was cool just because of what it used to be used for. Now they use it for stomach cramping. Then valium. She said that instead of giving me the dilaudid and morphine and risking them slowing down my motility any more than it already is she would rather give me the valium and hope that I pass out and sleep through the worst of it. If this doesn't work she said to just go to the er again and get some morphine IV.

But here is the really scary part. She said that my gastroparesis is severe enough that I should qualify for a gastric pacer, which is a pacemaker for the stomach that makes the vagus nerve work. This isn't a cure or even proven to work all the time, but I guess my case makes me someone they are wanting to try it with. I'm not at all happy about surgery. I hate the thought of being intubated. Freaks me out really. And I'm insulin dependant so I don't heal well. She is applying for me to get the surgery at either Stanford or UCSF since it's a cutting edge surgery. No pun intended.

And then it gets even freakier. If they don't approve me for a gastric pacer she wants to remove my stomach. REMOVE MY FRIGGIN STOMACH. I didn't even know they did this. How the hell does a person survive without a stomach? And there are so many emotional issues that I have with food....I can't even begin to describe them all. So you can imagine the panic that this little bit of information inflicted on my poor and wounded psyche. I love food. How can I celebrate a birthday without a Baskin&Robbins ice cream cake? That's just rude to suggest it! So now, even though I'm totally afraid of surgery in any form I am now lighting candles all over the damn place that I get approved for this gastric pacer. If anything,if it doesn't work for me I've at least bought some time with my stomach. This just all sucks.

My husband has been in TN since Monday. He had to fly there unexpectantly because his father was just diagnosed with a brain tumor. Another brain tumor. He had surgery in 1995 to remove another one so this might be the old one coming back. The whole family is extremely worried about him. I am too. He's the only inlaw type relative that I actually like and get along with. I'm so gratefull that the hubby will be back tomorrow. I always sleep easier when he's here. Even though I have psycho dog here to make some noise if there's a problem. But still....

love and light to everyone!

I think one of the MANY reasons that christianity, in any form, was unappealing to me was because I felt that it was a cookie cut out form of spoonfeeding someones dogma to others. I also felt that in Paganism and specifically Wicca I found extremely intelligent people and to me that is interesting. I love to study. I love to learn. I love to explore and discover what I can about the Universe, the Gods, and the human condition. Let's just say that I NEED the freedom that my beliefs offer me. At the same time I am also an intelligent person who understands and can appreciate the, for lack of a better term, rules of the Craft. The rede makes sense to me as do other "standards" by which I chose to live and practice. But the one thing that is bothering me right now is being spoonfed my own religion. I don't really appreciate mini lectures online about things that I already know. Basic 101 Wicca, if you will. I WOULD appreciate conversation or debate or some kind of human element to what has been put out there in covenspace. When I tried to email someone about these thoughts I have I was told that you cannot get into the area that allows for private messages. Why is that? Is it because I'm not good enough? Not up to the authors standards as a witch? Just wondering. I know I sound really bitchy, but come on! Let's be people and not a sounding board for frustraited authors. A blog is a blog and that's all good, but when you then broadcast your topic then your seeking an audience. My apologies for the harshness but if it was fired off at me I would appreciate the honesty.

Love and light

Kismet