| How can it be that one night I can sit here and talk about how I feel that the Goddess is right here next to me and caressing my arm, telling me that everything is for a reason and that what seems like a horrible thing, in the end will prove to be a blessed experience. And then tonight I'm in my own personal Hell, for lack of a better word since I believe Hades to not be so bad. I'm not angry, I don't want to throw things like I usually do (little hint of my psrsonality), and I blame no one and nothing. I am more lethargic and just want to cry but no tears come. I want to be able to eat comfort food but what once would comfort me now send me into depair and anguish, not to mention the medicine cabinet before bed. I am an empty shell of myself right now. I have needs that cannot be met right now. From people, from the Goddess, from Pan, and not even from my family. I am friendless at this point, other than who I have spoken to online. I have been too ill to venture out to meet people and at the same time I feel like I have lept right back into the broomcloset. Where I live there seems to be churches on every corner and to show my true self would be an embarassment to my husband. He is from here and was raised going to a strong Southern Babtist church, so you can imagine that when his friends come over I can't even relate to them. I have two people in my life that I actually consider friends because I did not meet them online. One is in Indiana and is a stay at home mom that is too busy to email me on a regular basis. I pray every day that there is a message from here. The other now lives down south and has expressed her desire to not speak with me so much because it's draining her energy to hear about my health problems. I must also mention that after my youngest son passed away last year (he was 16 days old) I have been unable to talk on the phone. It started out because I couldn't talk about our experience living at the Ronald McDonald house in San Francisco and spending all of our time at the NICU at UCSF. Then people wanted to NOT talk about Parker and that was even harder to deal with.He was here and he was important and he did what he needed to do while he was here. Now he has gone on to do something else for the Goddess. It has now, after a little over a year, become a phobia of mine to talk to people on the phone. My husband will call to let me know he's on his way home or something but he knows that I don't want to continue to talk. I don't know how this has progressed to this but it has. Just to let people know I named my son Parker Neville Conrad. His first two names mean The Gatekeeper Of The Garden. We knew from the time I was 16 weeks pregnant that there was a chance he wouldn't survive. He needed a name to prepare him for the Summerlands. While we were in San Francisco with Parker my beloved Great Dane also passed away from unexplained reasons. A friend of mine was watching him and he just colapsed. Because of what I know and what I believe I know that Gunner went to wait for Parker. Everyone in my family has a familiar. Even the one's who don't know or understand what a familiar is. I can recognize the signs and the signals. My great dane was smart, and he knew what was needed. I'm so sorry. This post is just rambling on but I feel the need to purge. I have so much hurt and painfull things built up inside me that there is nowhere for me to keep them anymore. In NO WAY am I blaming anyone else for my own hangups right now. I joined a group a few months back that was basically a college level type meeting of witches who were seekeing knowledge of religions and magic. I have missed the meeting because of my disease and pain. I don't feel comfortable driving on the strong narcotics that they were giving me. Now I am too embarassed to ask to come back. They made it clear from the beginning that missing meetings was grounds for getting kicked out. I'm frustraited because I seek knowledge and so many of these women I wanted to grab them by there ankles and just beg them to teach me some of the things they know. I was also invited to a gathering yesterday but because of the new meds that I am on I was unable to drive part way to meet someone who would be driving the rest of the way. How do I explain the pain and need I have to just be able to connect with other women who understand my faith? I was in a coven when I lived in Indiana and right now, even though it was disbanded because of personality conflicts I would give ANYTHING to have that back. Anything. I have never been so alone in my life. |
How can it be?
Monday, August 27, 2007, 02:38 AM [General]
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Same here. Any healing that can be sent or any time you need to rant, cry or chat, I'm here for you, as I'm sure are many others on Covenspace. Life is tough for you right now but you are loved and you're not alone xxx Willowluna |
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Forgive me for replying to this so late, I didn't think it was appropriate until now. |
Don't know what to say. I would say that I'm here and you can talk to me but that is the problem ; i'm here! not there...
CerberusI realize you are going through a tough road and knowing there is a reason for it is not helping at all.
I wish you could find the right teacher to learn from and right people to work with...
If you can think of anything I can do for you just let me know...
04:21 AM CST