That is the question. I have always had a special bond with animals, as should everyone since they love you like no human can. Well, 4 years ago I owned a wonderfull great dane named Gunner who was the best dog ever......I'm not kidding. Well, one day we went into the veterinary office just to visit and get cookies. The front office ladies loved when his whole 160 pound body got up on his hind feet and leaned over the counter for them to feed him goodies. While we were there a cage was displayed in the front room with a black kitten. He was horribly ugly because of a skin condition so he had scabs all over his body. Kinda icky. Anyway, I had been a veterinary tech for years before leaving the proffession for a more lucrative job as a craps dealer, but since I had worked at this particular hospital I visited often with Gunner. Well, he layed down next to the cage and refused to get up. And when I say refused I mean he REFUSED to get up. I had a pinch collar that I used around his neck very loosely just as a warning that I had control beacause at the time I was about 130 pounds so if Gunner wanted to he could pretty much do what he wanted. Long story short I ended up taking this kitten home and naming him Cosmo. I also need to mention that I had two cats of my own and was keeping an ex boyfriends cat at my house for a couple of months because......well, I was stupid in that relationship but his cat shouldn't have to suffer, right? Cosmo right away was very timid and tried to always hide in my basement. I had to go get him the first couple of nights and bring him to my bed. After that I would go into my room, which was on the second story (him hiding in the basement) and I would wisper his name. He would scamper up to my room and claw his way up my bedding to get to me. Life went on and we ended up moving back to California. I met the love of my life, with my pets approval,of coarse. As some of you know I became pregnant and my son only lived 16 days. During the time that we were in SF with our son my friend who was watching Gunner called to tell me he was sick. We had her rush him to the veterinary emergency center in Fresno and they said his stomach had flipped over and that there was nothing they could do for him. In all of my grief and sadness a few days later my son also passed to the Summerlands. In the worst possible time of my life I knew....I KNEW, and explained to my husband that Gunner had gone to greet and be with Parker (our infant son). Everyone in my family on my mothers side has always had pets and treat them as members of our real family. I tried to explain to him (he's a southern babtist....another long story) that Gunner knew Parker wasn't meant to be here and that he would need a guide and companion. At Parkers funeral I wrote a long poem about how my husband and I felt about Parker and his life, his God and my Godess and how I was comforted that Gunner had gone with him.

Since Gunners death my cat Cosmo has clearly, and I mean practically slapped me in the face to let me know who he was and why he was here. He has become my familiar. I have never had one before that I know of because I just never understood the concept and still really don't. Whenever I'm spellcasting or even meditating where I walk to where the Godess is for me he is rubbing himself on me or on something associated with my altar. He walks in and out of my circle like it's not even there, no barrier or anything. Usually just sits and watches me.

Here is my main issue and I'm hoping someone with knowledge of familiars can help me. I am very ill and it doesn't look like I will be getting better. After being insulin dependant for over 22 years I've developed gastroparesis, which will probably end up killing me. I'm waiting to hear from Stanford to see if I can get this stimulator divice put in my stomach to try to make it work. If that doesn't happen my specialist wants to remove my stomach completely. My main concern is that Cosmo is showing signs of illness. He has started licking his fur until he has almost bald spots. He doesn't have fleas and I had him tested for allergies. Nothing. Is he too close to me? Is he feeling the pain that I feel every day? Should I increase my pain meds. I only take them at night so that I don't appear to be stoned all the time. I hate stumbling around when trying to talk to the other football moms at the high school. Very embarassing indeed! But if he is feeling my pain and acting out in this manner It pains me even more! I don't want to be the cause of his suffering too. I'm fine with me just being the big crybaby sissy who is in pain all the time. I have also heard a rumor that when you die your familiar dies with you. Does anyone know if this is true. I understand Gunner passing on because he felt he was needed there more than here with me, although I miss him every second of the days. But I am aware and am working......I said working on accepting that my illness is going to be getting worse and never better. It is a disease that keeps on going and there aren't even many treatments out there for us so I am very worried about Cosmo.

At some point in the near future I am going to Berkeley and I plan on searching for a small statue of Bast for Cosmo. Like I said, he likes to rub himself on certain items on my altar and hopefully when I explain that this new one is just for him he will be able to pray to Bast also. I know that real people would think I'm crazy and some of you probably do to, but I don't care, really. I like being the ecentric cat lady, although my husband has since gotten me another dog to keep me crazy, I mean company. If anyone has any answers of advice I will be forever in your debt and much appreciate anything that comes my way.

love and light