Well, already I can see that life goes on no matter what happens. Not only have I moved to a new town in the bay area but I have been sicker than ever. Not being able to get out of bed most days gives you ample time to ponder. Visiting doctors who aren't sure what the hell to do with you is frustraiting. Losing the ability to eat most foods......ahh, it sucks. At this point in my journey they have reduced me to cream of wheat, mashed potatoes, baby food, and glucerna shakes. I have been told that if my pain continues to escalate then they will be placing a tube in my stomach that will help not only with pain, but with the nausea as well. MY ASS!!!! I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it. Listen, I'm the girl that your mother warned you about. I like to go out and have a good time. I like to get into verbal sparring matches with you even if I secretly agree with what you are saying JUST BECAUSE ITS FUN. I'm the girl that will do stupid things and make myself look stupid just because it will make a good story tomorrow. I don't care what you think of me as long as you think of me. I like to make people laugh. I can't stand to see good space wasted by a stupid person. LOL. Okay, I read that and it sounds pretty bad, but I'm being honest here! It's my rant and if it offends you then go away. Sometimes you have to be able to just say whats on your mind without people trying to stop you. I already have to calm down the language....and believe me.....there are TONS of foul words flying around my head that aren't making it to this blog. LOL. And another thing, what's with all these stupid surveys? Who cares what kind of fairy you are or what your secret pet dragons name would be if you had one? How's about a little learning about religions or maybe even expanding our minds and getting back to history. How about that? Let's swap ideas, books, share experiences, grow, learn, love, and just plain RELATE to each other!
If I have offended anyone....well, then I've offended you and it would probably be a good idea if you just avoided my blogs from here on out because I'm a bit too honest for some people. And that's ok. Some people can't handle my kind of truths. I have spent my life being sarcastic and cynical and that was BEFORE I became so ill. Now it just feels like life is too short for pansyass lies and half truths that don't mean anything. I have vowed from here on out to only be honest and open in all of my dealings....no matter what.
I don't blog very often. I think it's because I'm afraid of what people will think of my thoughts. I have a tendency to be "out there" most of the time. But if you dress me up and tell me to be on my best behavior, then I can hold a decent, "normal" conversation with the best of them.
But right now I'm kinda in a daze. It seems like I'm always talking about one medical problem or another. I also have a bad habit of hinting at them instead of telling the whole story. Why? Cause it's too damn morbid and depressing. Thank you very much.
Tonight I recieved a phone call from one of my doctors. Last week I went to the hospital for a test to measure my gastric emptying. In english this means that I have been having lots of stomach problems for the past year that also affect my bloodsugar because if food is in your stomach longer than it takes for your insulin to kick in then your in trouble. This I do. Anyway, it is supposed to take on an average around a half hour to 45 minutes to empty your stomach. They guestimate that mine is taking around 5 hours. It's called gastroparesis and it sucks.
The strange thing about tonight is that I'm more numb than anything. It's like I was expecting the worst and so I didn't have enough energy left for the appropriate emotions. You know, like fear, anger.....all the good ones. I am kinda freaked out about some of the things that he said he would like to try to treat my symptoms. One involving some electrical shocking thingy surgically placed in my stomach. Huh? Yeah, you lost me at "Hey, I got an idea..."
So in order to remain calm and focused on the present I have done what I always do. I put on some Inkubus Sukkubus and I'm looking stuff up on the net.
I need your help. I have been interested and researching the raw food lifestyle for a couple of years now and still am not getting what I need. I had been a vegetarian for years and felt that I needed to take the next step to becoming healthy and detoxed from all the crap we normally put into our bodies. Problem is that I'm insulin dependant and the doctors have a basic shit-fit every time I bring it up. On top of that I have had serious health problems lately and they have convinced me that eatting a small amount of animal protein is the only way to go for me. Let me first explain that the problems with my health had nothing to do with lack of protein or iron or any of the usual suspects that would cause a doctor to say these things. As a matter of fact, one of my problems is the very beginnings of kidney disease brought on from my diabetes! The major symptom? Protein in the urine. IRONY. I have also noticed that since I have incorporated animal protein back into my diet that I'm even more sluggish and lazy. The worst part is the depression and guilt that I feel about the whole thing.
So, since I can't find a single insulin dependant person who has blazed a path for me into the raw food lifestyle I think I want to be that person for others like me. People who are sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I would love to be able to talk with people and hear experiences and tips and recipes and all the other good stuff that makes me motivated to be healthy. So if there are any pagan raw foodists out there PLEASE PLEASE get in touch with me!
Yesterday was a milestone that I never thought I would have to endure. The first birthday of a son who died when he was only 16 days old. That whole time of my life is such a foggy period that I feel as if it's a book I have read a long time ago and barely remember. At the same time it's a fresh wound that is open and won't stop bleeding. What am I talking about? I'm still in that period. Physically I'm unhealthy and worse for the wear. The pregnancy did a number on me. Mentally and emotionally I'm still feeling like it's an out of body experience. And spiritually, I still try to convince myself every day that there really is a good reason for everything that happened and that the Goddess does love me.
Big Breath
So my husband and I decided that every year we should celebrate the short life that he had by going into San Francisco and doing something as a family. Just us and my 13 year old son. We spent the day at the exploratorium, which was awesome, and then ate at Bubba Gumps, my families favorite. The reason we are doing this is because he was born at UCSF since we already knew he had a diaphragmatic hernia and they specialize in this problem. He never left the hospital. My husband feels strongly about going to his grave but I feel that by going to where he was alive is just as important. Does this make sense to anyone?
Anyway, this milestone is over and I survived. April 6th is going to be another one. I'm kind of on an emotional rollercoaster. I picture myself hanging on to the bar for dear life.....just waiting for the drop. I am also aware that I have let my spirituality take a backburner just when I shouldn't. I think it ties into the feelings I have always had that I don't need anyone. But I know that's not true. I'm hoping the Goddess sees and knows that I'm realizing that I'm doing it wrong, but am working on getting back on the right track.
I have finally started to understand why I can't turn off my television. I am avoiding the thoughts and images that float around in my head. Life has become such a challenge these past couple of years. Tragedy and pain that couldn't be stopped or controlled by my own will. Now, if even for a second, I am alone in silence these painfull experiences come crashing down around me and I feel like there is no escape from the sorrow. So I have chosen mind numbing television as the medium to keep my personal demons at bay. How can I think about myself when there are celebrities in the world who are going in and out of rehab? Or dying and leaving controversy? See what I mean? MIND NUMBING SHIT
Unfortunately I have also realized that I have been aching inside because I feel like the Goddess has overlooked me. With all of the pain and trauma I have been through I started wondering what the heck I had done to deserve all this crap. I started getting angry and I shut down. In doing this I have turned a deaf ear on Her. How am I supposed to hear Her messages if I'm tuning out the bad stuff with mindless chatter?
At least now I am seeing that by not dealing with the bad that I am also turning away from any type of communication with the Goddess that I have had for so long. What I need to do is just sit down somewhere with a dang candle and wait.....wait....and wait until I get what I need. I know this. I have done it before. But how do I talk myself into doing it when I know that in order to get to my proper path I have to walk through a hell of a lot of fire? Did I mention I'm a big wimp and don't like pain or change? Did I also mention that most of the pain and change that I have had to deal with lately are not of my own doing? Usually if I have to walk through fire it's because I've lit the damn thing myself but figure the consequenses are totally worth it.
How do I make myself love myself enough to do the right thing?
